Special Advice for Our Growing Children and Grandchildren, Girls and Boys Both

Just when we think we've done an OK job raising our own children, some much smarter woman comes along and tells us what we can do to help children evaluate relationships.  In this case, that woman is Annie Fox, educator and online advisor.    Although she focuses on girls, her advice is useful for boys as well.

Fox talks to girls about their friends:  the real ones and those who really aren't.  She helps them to see ways to recognize which relationships are good ones and worth keeping versus those that negatively impact them.

She insists that girls are especially "ill-equipped to deal with the social land mines that seem to appear at ever younger ages"(In "Give Kids Friendly Advice,"  Alicia Sultan, McClatchy Newspapers).

Have we forgotten the hard times we had in school?  Many of us acknowledge that the school experience can be a truly painful experience.  Do you remember the pain of going to elementary school, maybe in the 3rd. grade when one day you were a member of the playground group and the next day you were crying because they excluded you?

How about that bus ride as you watched your friends make nasty remarks about the girl seated in front of you, seeing her tearing up and you not speaking up for fear of being singled out yourself.  What could you have done or said?

How about high school when you arrived as a freshman with middle school friends only to find you were no longer invited to parties because you didn't drink?  Lots of tears and pain, especially for girls, but for boys as well.

Fox emphasizes that girls tend to brush aside their own hurt feelings and belittle their emotions.  They don't want to confront a friend or lose status among their peer group.

Those of us who have spent a lifetime in teaching might add that boys cover their hurt feelings as well, and they are hurt by childhood and adolescent cruelties, too.

Fox recommends that parents teach children early-as early as age 4-to tell people when they've been hurt.

While acknowledging how hard it is to speak up, parents need to encourage children-girls and boys alike to say "I didn't appreciate what you said.  It hurt my feelings."  Sounds simple, right?  And learning to do so helps to build a child's confidence.  It helps to bring into focus what each child  expects from a  good friend while she/he learns to recognize  the behavior of those who are not.

Some of us who thought we did an OK job of raising our own children read Fox's simple advice and realize what we should have done.  Our  own sons and daughters might have had an easier time navigating the pain of childhood relationships had we taught them to just say, "I didn't appreciate what you said.  It hurt my  feelings."

Hopefully our own children will do a better job in preparing their children to deflect the slings and arrows that seem to be prevalent in childhood relationships.  Then our granddaughters and grandsons will be stronger, better able to cope with the 'social land mines' that Fox describes, and more capable of recognizing true friends while letting go of those who aren't.  We'll be sending them off to school exuding confidence, knowing they can handle social situations, even those awful 'land mines'.